Grieving in the arms of the Goddess
Oct. 18th, 2004 08:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vervain13I feel so...numb right now. It's as though something huge and unfathomable has knocked me so far off that I'm not even quite sure how to deal with it.
My sister has terminal cancer. It's in her right lung. It's in her brain. It's in her rib cage. It's in her shoulders. It's in her leg bones. And it's been there for a year...possibly two.
I just got the call from Mom a little while ago...
And so here I sit...tears making their way slowly down my cheeks...while I struggle with the force of the howling gale within me. Sobs threaten to surface and overwhelm me but I choose rather to let the feelings wash over me and through me...experiencing them to their fullest without being undone by them.
In spite of the extreme differences my sister and I have had the past few years, I love her so much. She is, after all, simply human and trying to do the best she knows with the information she has. And Don is so powerfully and gently compassionate and supportive.
Supportive. Mom said at one point that she didn't know what else we could do. I just said, "All we can do is be supportive." My other sister was there with Mom and Debi when the oncologist gave the news. This cancer can be put into remission only to come back stronger. It is incurable. Both my sisters bawled their eyes out with Mom being the pillar of strength for them. I am sure that even now Debi and Peggy are doing the same as me...processing. Admittedly it is hard to think further of support in the moment while thoughts of this being possibly the last Christmas we'll see Debi do their best to take the helm and steer me toward the rocks. Damn the rocks. Damn the storm.
This hurts so deeply that no human language can adequately capture the sensation...
At least there is time for everyone to prepare. Debi has been given 6 to 18 months. And we are all of the mind that we should do our level best to make sure that they are the best time possible for her.
I don't know what else to say. So much of the time posting this was spent staring at the screen and staring off into the distance.
I love my sister...even enough to let her go when the time is right for her.
My sister has terminal cancer. It's in her right lung. It's in her brain. It's in her rib cage. It's in her shoulders. It's in her leg bones. And it's been there for a year...possibly two.
I just got the call from Mom a little while ago...
And so here I sit...tears making their way slowly down my cheeks...while I struggle with the force of the howling gale within me. Sobs threaten to surface and overwhelm me but I choose rather to let the feelings wash over me and through me...experiencing them to their fullest without being undone by them.
In spite of the extreme differences my sister and I have had the past few years, I love her so much. She is, after all, simply human and trying to do the best she knows with the information she has. And Don is so powerfully and gently compassionate and supportive.
Supportive. Mom said at one point that she didn't know what else we could do. I just said, "All we can do is be supportive." My other sister was there with Mom and Debi when the oncologist gave the news. This cancer can be put into remission only to come back stronger. It is incurable. Both my sisters bawled their eyes out with Mom being the pillar of strength for them. I am sure that even now Debi and Peggy are doing the same as me...processing. Admittedly it is hard to think further of support in the moment while thoughts of this being possibly the last Christmas we'll see Debi do their best to take the helm and steer me toward the rocks. Damn the rocks. Damn the storm.
This hurts so deeply that no human language can adequately capture the sensation...
At least there is time for everyone to prepare. Debi has been given 6 to 18 months. And we are all of the mind that we should do our level best to make sure that they are the best time possible for her.
I don't know what else to say. So much of the time posting this was spent staring at the screen and staring off into the distance.
I love my sister...even enough to let her go when the time is right for her.
