Grieving in the arms of the Goddess

I feel so...numb right now. It's as though something huge and unfathomable has knocked me so far off that I'm not even quite sure how to deal with it.

My sister has terminal cancer. It's in her right lung. It's in her brain. It's in her rib cage. It's in her shoulders. It's in her leg bones. And it's been there for a year...possibly two.

I just got the call from Mom a little while ago...

And so here I sit...tears making their way slowly down my cheeks...while I struggle with the force of the howling gale within me. Sobs threaten to surface and overwhelm me but I choose rather to let the feelings wash over me and through me...experiencing them to their fullest without being undone by them.

In spite of the extreme differences my sister and I have had the past few years, I love her so much. She is, after all, simply human and trying to do the best she knows with the information she has. And Don is so powerfully and gently compassionate and supportive.

Supportive. Mom said at one point that she didn't know what else we could do. I just said, "All we can do is be supportive." My other sister was there with Mom and Debi when the oncologist gave the news. This cancer can be put into remission only to come back stronger. It is incurable. Both my sisters bawled their eyes out with Mom being the pillar of strength for them. I am sure that even now Debi and Peggy are doing the same as me...processing. Admittedly it is hard to think further of support in the moment while thoughts of this being possibly the last Christmas we'll see Debi do their best to take the helm and steer me toward the rocks. Damn the rocks. Damn the storm.

This hurts so deeply that no human language can adequately capture the sensation...

At least there is time for everyone to prepare. Debi has been given 6 to 18 months. And we are all of the mind that we should do our level best to make sure that they are the best time possible for her.

I don't know what else to say. So much of the time posting this was spent staring at the screen and staring off into the distance.

I love my sister...even enough to let her go when the time is right for her.

At the behest of a very dear friend

Per lindalee. It seems appropriate given the situation.

The Charge of the Goddess


Listen to the words of the Great Mother, Who of old was called Ariadne, Brigid, Cerridwen, Diana, Isis, Laksmhi, the Morrigan, Selena, and many other names:
“When you have need of anything, once in the month, and better it be when the moon is full, you shall assemble in some secret place and adore the spirit of Me Who is Queen of all the Wise. You shall be free from slavery, and as a sign that you are free you shall be naked in your rites. Sing, feast, dance, make music and love, all in My Presence, for Mine is the ecstasy of the spirit and Mine also is joy on earth. For My law is love unto all beings. Mine is the secret that opens upon the door of youth, and Mine is the cup of wine of Life that is the Cauldron of Cerridwen that is the holy grail of immortality. I give the knowledge of the spirit eternal and beyond death I give peace and freedom and reunion with those who have gone before. Nor do I demand aught of sacrifice, for behold, I am the Mother of all things and My love is poured upon the earth.”

Hear the words of the Star Goddess, the dust of Whose feet are the hosts of heaven, Whose body encircles the Universe:
“I Who am the beauty of the green earth and the white moon among the stars and the mysteries of the waters, I call upon your soul to arise and come to Me. For I am the soul of nature that gives Life to the Universe. From Me all things proceed and unto Me they must return. Let My worship be in the heart that rejoices, for behold—all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals. Let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you. And you who seek to know Me, know that your seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without. For behold, I have been with you from the beginning, and I am that which is attained at the end of desire.”